NZ: Kayaking Abel Tasman National Park

Weather looking good. Plan: Take Kayaks out for 3 days and hike for 2 more around Abel Tasman National Park on North Western tip of South Island, New Zealand.


Bring sling and dive gear for fishies. Stuff Kayak to brim with delicious food items such as: 5 liters of boxed wine, steak, veggies, several flavors of creamy Brie cheese, salami, fruit, musilie etc... Leave Betsy in parking lot all by herself. Kayak to first nights' camp... small cove with beautiful beach, nobody around, roll around in sand, guzzle wine, eat, enjoy sunshine and tanned naked woman. Sunset brings 2 plump ladies on a kayak who decide to camp as close as possible to us... Grumble, grumble. Curse at the sandflies and their thirst for blood. Forget to pack sleeping pads.... crap. Back hurts just to think about it.


Wake to sun. Make coffee in beloved plunger that doubles as insulated cup (Definitely my most valued purchase of 2009) Low tide, watch Linds pluck Green Lipped Mussels from rocks. Leave camp. Kayak to nearby island. Land on amazing beach. Gear up, spear fish for dinner. Nail 2 mystery fish... go for big tasty looking guy in cave... hit tail, scales fly, disappears in cave... could have fed an army, damn it. Clean fishies. Pack up camp and kayak. Make way up coast, windy around points. Paddle as hard as possible. Find river/estuary to escape from wind. Beautiful glass. Make way towards second camp... see 2 girls in kayak blown far, far out to sea, signaling to boats for help... bummer. Finally make it to camp.


Stuff fishies with lime, onion and spices, wrap in foil... salivate. Curse satanic sandflies. Linds prepares yummy mussels. Sign say: "TOTAL FIRE BAN" I say: "BULLSHIT!" Build fire in cave on beach. Fish in fire, mussels in pot 1, wild rice and veggies in pot 2. Smelling Umm Ummm good. Feast on the fruits of the sea, guzzle wine, drift to sleep. Wake. Coffee. Low, low tide... drag kayak waaaaay too far down to water line. Windy paddle to next camp. Beautiful coastline. High-center onto submerged rock. Can't move. Spinning around on top. Laugh a little.. but not too much. Next camp is awesome. Amazing beach, rocks, caves. Stinky Sealions. Hot sun. Wine. Food. Clouds come... Shit! Rain. Damn it! Everything into tent. Pouring. Praise $40 waterproof tent from Warehouse(Like Walmart... bad, I know). Boil big pot of noodles in middle of tent. Wine kicks in. Tip over pot, spills on Linds' arm... screams, cries... FU*&%K!!!. Throw Linds a towel, watch her wipe arm skin right off... not good!! Crisis management mode in full effect, try to make all better. Eat remains of noodles in pot. Rains all night. Wake. Coffee. Curse bloodthirsty sandflies. Boat picks up Kayak... says weather will be 40 knot winds with rain the next 2 days.... decide not to hike next 2 days. Hop on next boat back to civilization.


Few days pass. Forecast looking clear and sunny for 4 days. Decide to hike in from top of park down coast. Sun shining. Beautiful day. Breathtaking vistas. Aqua blue water. Wind picks up. Find nice beach to camp on. Pick yummy mussels off rocks. Get chased by smelly sealion family. Ominous clouds hovering. WTF? Sprinkles. Rain. Damn it... everything into tent. Eat. Draw picture of cow with a big Mustache... get it? "Mo" instead of "Moo". Laugh a lot. Boil water far from Linds' arm. Fear high tide. Move tent up to grass. Wake to sun. Coffee. Hear most insane bird song ever... beat boxing bird. Hike out. Drive to Mussel Inn and drink beer. The End.