The Bowels of Travel

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose... and get deported.

Most times things go as planned. Smooth, short layovers. Planes and busses are on time. A new security line opens up and you get to bypass 40 people fumbling to get the change out of their pockets. Plenty of time for an over priced beer as you gaze out the window and see your boards being delicately loaded on the plane. Sexy girl with great convo sitting next to you. Traveling is awesome!

But sometimes the evil travel monster bites off your wang, chews it up and spews it all over the rest of your day... or two... or three... or in my case 3 years.

Here's the last 48 hours...

Leave Nic and Jim's place in Margaret River. On way to bus stop, Nic and I decide to go for one last quick beer. Little Creatures Ale Yum! Bus ticket says 4:50pm departure. One quick beer turns into two quick beers. Get to bus stop at 4:48pm. No bus. Call bus Co... Bus left at 4:30pm. WTF?? But my ticket says...???
Have to drive to Bussleton bus stop to try and catch bus. Turn 40 minute drive into 25 minute drive. Interception!
4 hr bus ride to Perth airport. 3 hours early for redeye at midnight:30. Check in, find out flight has magically changed to 11pm. Good thing I was early. WTF??? Kill time with beer. Watch news of Christchurch getting rocked and worry about friends. Sad. Plane on time. One-two winks of sleep on plane. Wonder why they dont just make the seats fixed in the laid back position, which is about a 1 inch difference from the upright position. Idiots. Somebody close to me, maybe even right next to me, is farting the whole way and for once its not me. Gross. Babies... Crying. Arrive in Melbourne at 5am. Drag boards to international terminal. Go through customs and immigration... All clear. Life is good... I'll be in Fiji by 3pm drinking an ice-cold Fiji Gold under a palm tree on the beach... Bitch! Haha not so fast son. Where's da plane, da plane? Missing. 8:40am flight turns into 11am turns into 12:30 turns into 3pm turns into 6pm turns into 8pm flight. Each delay everybody gets free meal and drink vouchers... Including alcohol. Not bad. Smash beers. Wander the airport. Flirt with cute girls with dumb looking boyfriends. Jam guitar. Sleep on floor. "Can I have your attention... We need 13 volunteers to give up their seats... Full ticket refund... We'll get you on a flight tonight to Fiji but have to fly you out of Brisbane." Lucky number 13. Fuck. OK. Count me in. Just get me the hell out of this airport. 12 hours in terminal=Feverish. The 13 reFijis are escorted out of international terminal to domestic terminal. Go through customs and immigration again.... Same airport. Lots of arguing between airline guys and customs guys. Cutting it close to get on flight to Brisbane. Everybody gets passports back but me. Shit. They're all waiting on me. And my boards are not in the reFiji luggage pile. WTF?? Immigration head lady pulls me aside and let's me have it. I'm an illegal alien and have been for about 60 days. WTF?? Plane is gonna leave without us. Get banned from entering Australia for 3 years. I will be Escorted to the international terminal when I land in Brisbane and kicked the fuck out :( Ooopsy daisy. Should've looked into my visa situation from last year. My boards show up. Scramble to check-in all 13 reFijis and blaze thru security. I'm the last person on the plane. They've been waiting. Scowls from everybody as I pass. Think I heard one hiss. Meal/drink vouchers get me a few more beers on plane. Unreal sunset out window. Get a wink. Brisbane landing. Get shuffled out to private shuttle to international terminal. Immigration officer and airline rep in tow. $50 bucks for boards. Not bad. Lots of meal/beer vouchers. Two nights, two redeyes... It must be Christmas. I stink. I'm tired. I'm buzzed. Wave goodbye to Customs as I go through, immigration sits me down for another spanking. Supposedly I can appeal the 3 year ban and try to apply for another visa. Sweet. Pad Thai, more beers, fun chat with cute English birds, tight polkadot tights driving me crazy on one of'em. Plane delayed an hour. Haha! Going delirious. Board plane... Oh god here we go, sexy Asian Canadian sitting next to me... I just want to sleep. She just wants to drink and talk. Smash more beers... Have a good laugh. Pass out while she's still talking. Land in Fiji! Find out flight home has been magically moved up 1 day. WTF?? All good. Big Fishermans Breakfast at Cardos on the harbor. Wash off stank. Sleep like baby. Surf pumping Restaurants and Swimming Pools tomorrow. All worth it.